OXYMORON

Ancient Greek : Oxus = "sharp"
Moros = "dull"

"Oxymoron" = a sharp dullness or a foolish wise.

...a self contradicting phrase.

_____

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Self Help Group (thanks to Shane for this one)

Left Handed Screwdrivers.

Striped paint.

Pigeon's milk.

Straight hooks.

Cooking glue.

It was as bad as being up a creek in a barbed wire canoe.

...about as useful as a chocolate teapot.

I want my bedroom painted sky-blue pink.

compulsory volunteers

college student

jumbo shrimp

That shoe fits him like a glove.

I wouldn't be paranoid if everyone didn't pick on me.

Plastic lemons, rubber bones, bricked-up windows, artificial grass,
plastic flowers, invisible ink.

People have one thing in common: they are all different.

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good
impromptu speech.
Mark Twain

The trouble with our times is that the future is not what
it used to be.
Paul Valery

When one has good health it is not serious to be ill.
Francis Blanche

Is there life before death ?
Belfast Graffito

Often it is fatal to live too long.
Racine

The first condition of immortality is death.
Stanislaw Lec

As famous as the unknown soldier.

Anyone who isn't confused here doesn't really
know what's going on.

I must follow the people. Am I not their leader ?
Benjamin Disraeli

The saddest moment in a person's life comes but once.

A commercial traveller was passing through a small town
when he came upon a huge funeral procession.
"Who died?" he asked a nearby local.
"I'm not sure," replied the local, " but I think
its the one in the coffin."

The dumplings in a dream are not dumplings, only dreams.

He lived his life to the end.

You always find something in the last place you look.

A woman met a man walking along the street wearing only one shoe.
"Just lost a shoe ?" she asked.
He answered, "Nope, just found one."

Classified add: For Sale: Man's suit, perfect fit.

It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one
trifling exception, is composed of others.
John Andrew Holmes

Some painters transform the sun into a yelow spot;
others transform a yellow spot into the sun.
Pablo Picasso

Beyond each corner new directions lie in wait.
Stanislaw Lec

My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.

My life has a superb cast but I can't figure out the plot.
Ashleigh Brilliant

A man can do what he wants, but not want what he wants.
Arthur Schoperhauer

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
Ambrose Bierce

You can observe a lot just by watchin'.
Yogi Berra

In these matters the only certainty is that nothing is certain.
Pliny the Elder

The English certainly and fiercly pride themselves in never
praising themselves.
Wyndham Lewis

I have made mistakes, but have never made the mistake of claiming
I never made one.
James G. Bennet

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that
man can never learn anything from history.
George Bernard Shaw

Trapped, like a trap in a trap.
Dorothy Parker

I am not sincere, even when I say I am not.
Jules Renard

You've no idea of what a poor opinion I have of myself,
and how little I deserve it.
W.S. Gilbert

Great Rules for writing from William Safire in the New York Times.

Do not put statements in the negative form.
And don't start sentences with a conjunction.
It is incumbent on one to avoid archaisms.
If you reread your work, you will find on rereading that a great deal
of repetition can be avoided by rereading and editing.
Never use a long word when a diminutive one will do.
Unqualified superlatives are the worst of all.
De-accession euphemisms.
If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
Never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
Also, avoid awkward or affected alliteration.
Last, but not least, avoid cliche's like the plague.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not sure.

Graffitti seen in Pompeii : Everyone writes on the walls but me.

Hypochondria is the one disease I have not got.

Procrastinate now!

I've told you for the fifty-thousandth time, stop exagerating.

Young Man: Why do philosophers ask so many questions?
Old Philosopher: Why shouldn't philosophers ask so many questions?

What is the world to a man who's wife is a widow.

A stone was placed at a ford in a river with the inscription:
"When this stone is covered it is dangerous to ford here."

In the city today the temperature rose to 180 degrees. This sudden
rise of temperature was responsible for the intolerable heat.

"Have you lived in this village all your life?"
"No, not yet."

"Who is the oldest inhabitant of this village?"
"We haven't got one; we had one, but he died three weeks ago."

"Hey, somebody cut the end off this rope!"

"Hey, Trixie, what's your earliest memory?"
"Umm... I don't remember!"

Overheard in hotel:
"It's eight o'clock, sir!"
"Why the devil didn't you tell me that before?"

Inform all the troops that communications have completely broken down.
Ashleigh Brilliant

There is only one difference between a madman and me. I am not mad.
Salvador Dali

Nobody goes to that restaurant anymore. It's too crowded.

Just the omission of Jane Austen's books alone would make a fairly
good library out of a library that hadn't a book in it.
Mark Twain

I tripped over a hole that was sticking up out of the ground.

Quotes from Samuel Goldwyn, immigrant turned famous movie producer:

Quick as a flashlight.

It rolled off my back like a duck.

(When told his son was getting married)
Thank heaven. A bachelor's life is no life for a single man.

A hospital is no place to be sick.

Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

I can give you a definite perhaps.

(when told a script was full of old cliches)
Let's have some new cliches.

("You say you've never made a picture before?")
Yes, but that's our strongest weak point.

Gentleman, include me out.

A verbal contract isn't worth the paper its printed on.

I can tell you in two words: im possible.

(on being told that a friend had named his son Sam, after him)
Why did you do that ? Every Tom, Dick and Harry is named Sam!

I paid too much for it, but it's worth it.

Gentlemen, for your information, I have a question to ask you.

I read part of it all the way through.

If I could drop dead right now, I'd be the happiest man alive.

I never put on a pair of shoes until I've worn them at least five years.

Let's bring it up to date with some snappy nineteenth century dialogue.

Goldwyn: What kind of dancing does Martha Graham do?
Associate: Modern dancing.
Goldwyn: I don't want her then, modern dancing is so old fashioned.

I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after
they're dead.

Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

More Oxymorons

Military Intelligence Business Ethics Recent History
Jumbo Shrimp Freezer Burn Constant Change
Soft Rock Concrete Pad Original Copy
Tough Love Thunderous Silence Neutral Charge
Congressional Action Old News Strong Decaf
Clearly Confusing Slow Speed Rap Music
Honest Politician Creative Destruction Postal Service
Totally Partial Snanitary Sewer Sweet Sorrow
Green Consumerism Geniune Imitation Mournful Optimist
Almost Exactly Approximately Equal Real Fantasy
Mute Sound Good Job Plastic Glasses
Civil War Peace Keeper Missile Maxi Thins
Artificial Intelligence Clearly misunderstood Completely unfinished
Exact estimate Friendly Fire Holy War
Mutually Exclusive Paperless office True Story
Pretty Ugly Bitter Sweet Random Order
New Antiques Cold Sweat Silent Scream
Rolling Stop Deafening Silence Farewell Reception
Liquid Crystal Working vacation Act naturally
Alone Together Male Lady Bug DOS operating system
Found Missing Advanced BASIC Genuine Imitation
Good Grief Same Difference Sanitary Landfill
Legally Drunk Living Dead Small Crowd
Butt Head Synthetic Natural Gas Taped Live
Extinct Life Terribly Pleased Tight Slacks
Definate Maybe Microsoft Works Near Miss
Freezer Burn Old News Plastic Silverware
Fresh Frozen Professional Wrestling

acute dullness • act naturally • Advanced BASIC
• airline food • almost exactly • alone together •
Amtrak schedule • bittersweet • boring court jester •
briefing • British fashion • business ethics • butthead •
cafeteria food • calm wind • cardinal sin • casual sex •
cheerleading scholarship • childproof • Christian Scientists •
civil engineer • clean coal • coal mine safety • computer jock •
computer security • clearly ambiguous • clearly confused •
clearly misunderstood • comfortably dressed • conservative liberal •
conciliation court • constant variable • constructive attitude •
corporate conscience • cowardly lion • dangerously safe •
deafening silence • definite maybe • deliberately thoughtless •
democratic machine • designer jeans • diet ice cream • divorce court •
domestic bliss • double solitaire • educational television • effective compassion •
essential service • even odds • exact estimate • extensive briefing • extinct life •
family vacation • fan fatale • federal budget • fish farm • flexible ethics •
found missing • free love • freezer burn • french deodorant • fresh-frozen •
friendly fire • friendly takeover • funky white guy • genuine imitation •
genuine imitation naughahide • good grief • good shit • government organization •
guest host • healthy chocolate • hells angels • holy war • half naked •
home office • humanitarian invasion • idiot savant • ill health • industrial park •
instant classic • intense apathy • jumbo shrimp • justice rehnquist • larger half •
least favorite • legally drunk • light rock • linear curve • liquid gas • lite beer •
little giants • living dead • long sleeved t-shirt • loud librarian • managed competition •
marital bliss • Microsoft Works • mild interest • mild mannered reporter •
military intelligence • minor crisis • minor miracle • misanthropic humanitarian •
modern history • moral majority • natural blonde • new classic •
New York culture • non-alcoholic beer • non-alcoholic wine •
non-dairy creamer • non-working mother • normal deviation •
obscene art • old news • only choice • on-time airplane • on-time musical production •
on-time train • open secret • original copies • original reprint • oxymoron •
paid volunteer • passive aggression • peace offensive • peacekeeper missile •
plastic glasses • plastic silverware • player coach • player piano •
polite salesman • political science • post feminist • postal service •
pretty ugly • private citizen • qualified success • randomly organized •
rap music • Reagan Democrat • real potential • religious tolerance •
republican party • resident alien • rock opera • rolling stop • rush hour •
sad clown • safe sex • sanitary landfill • sanitary sewer • same difference •
scheduled spontaneity • scientific belief • second best • sensitive guy •
serious musician • seriously funny • silent scream • simply superb •
small crowd • socialist market economy • soft rock • software documentation •
standard deviation • straight angle • student athlete • study outside •
successful suicide • sweet sorrow • sweet tart • synthetic natural gas •
Tame cat • taped live • temporary tax increase • terribly enjoyable •
terribly pleased • tight slacks • tragic comedy • train schedule •
trial separation • turbo diesel • twelve-ounce pound cake • unbiased opinion •
uncrowned king • unhappily married • united nations • unsellable stock •
unsung hero • vaguely aware • virtual reality • war games • wholesome •
working vacation

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in petrol stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON(R), how do they make TEFLON(R) stick to the pan?

If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

I don't believe in reincarnation, but I did in my past life.

A

Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Almost exactly
Alone together
American English
Authentic replica
Awfully good

Bad luck
Baked Alaska
Bittersweet
Black light
Blank expression
Business ethics
Butthead

California expressway
Cardinal sin
Christian Scientist
Civil war
Classic novel
Classically modern
Clearly confused
Cold comfort
Communist leader
Conspicuous absence
Constant change
Cowardly lion
Criminal justice

Deafening silence
Death benefits
Definite maybe
Deliberate thoughtlessness
Down escalator
Dry wine
Dynamic equilibrium

Eloquent silence
European Community
Evaporated milk
Even odds
Exact estimate
Extensive briefing
Extinct life
Eyes Wide Shut

Fairly dark
Famous Belgians (I don't agree with this one)
Feminine logic
Forgotten memories
Found missing
Free love
Freezer burn
Fresh-frozen
Friendly fire
Front end
Fun run
Fuzzy logic

Genuine imitation
Good grief
Government organization
Government service
Great Britain
Great Depression
Guest host

Hell's Angels
Highly underestimated
Holy war
Homeless shelter
Hopelessly optimistic

Idiot savant
Ill health
Include me out
Industrial park
Instant classic
Intense apathy

Job security
Jumbo shrimp

Least favorite
Light heavyweight
Liquid gas
Little giant
Live recording
Living dead
Loosely packed
Loose tights

Make haste slowly
Managed competition
Microsoft Works
Mild abrasive
Mild enthusiasm
Military intelligence
Minor crisis
Modern history

Natural additives
Noble savage
Non-alcoholic beer
Non-working mother
Normal deviation
Nothing much
Numb feeling

Oddly appropriate
Old news
Only choice
Open secret
Original copy

Paid volunteer
Paperless ofice
Passive aggression
Peace force
Peace offensive
Peacekeeper missile
Plastic wood
Positively cynical
Press release
Pretty ugly
Pronounced silence

Random order
Rap music
Real potential
Recorded live
Resident alien
Rock opera
Rolling stop

Safe sex
Safety hazard
Same difference
Second best
Serious fun
Short distance
Silent scream
Simply confusing
Skinny broad
Socialist market economy
Soft rock
Spendthrift
Standard deviation
Stand down
Still life
Still moving
Strangely familiar
Sure bet
Sweet sorrow

Taped live
Terribly pleased
Tight slacks
True Lies
True story

Unacceptable solution
Unbiased opinion
Uncrowned king
United Nations
Unsung hero

Vaguely aware

Virtual Reality

War games
Wholesome
Will Witt
Working vacation

The top 50 Oxymorons

50. Act naturally
49. Found missing
48. Resident alien
47. Advanced BASIC
46. Genuine imitation
45. Airline Food
44. Good grief
43. Same difference
42. Almost exactly
41. Government organization
40. Sanitary landfill
39. Alone together
38. Legally drunk
37. Silent scream
36. British fashion
35. Living dead
34. Small crowd
33. Business ethics
32. Soft rock
31. Butt Head
30. Military Intelligence
29. Software documentation
28. New York culture
27. New classic
26. Sweet sorrow
25. Childproof
24. "Now, then ..."
23. Synthetic natural gas
22. Christian Scientists
21. Passive aggression
20. Taped live
19. Clearly misunderstood
18. Peace force
17. Extinct Life
16. Temporary tax increase
15. Computer jock
14. Plastic glasses
13. Terribly pleased
12. Computer security
11. Political science
10. Tight slacks
9. Definite maybe
8. Pretty ugly
7. Twelve-ounce pound cake
6. Diet ice cream
5. Rap music
4. Working vacation
3. Exact estimate
2. Religious tolerance

And the Number one top oxymoron .....

1. Microsoft Works